Diane Corriette


Esteem is a simple word. It is worth and value that we apply to people, places, and situations. We have esteem when a professional puts in an exemplary performance whether it is in sports, acting, or simply doing the right thing.

But the most important place we need to apply esteem is within ourselves. We must maintain our self-esteem in order to place value on ourselves as a worthy individual in the world.

Self-esteem affects every single part of our lives creating a miserable place if it is low and a vibrant up beat place when it is balanced. Elevating esteem so that it is at an empowering level for ourselves could very well be the key to happiness in life.

It is important that when you aim for high self-esteem, it is not at the level of thinking you are “better” or more “superior” to another, but instead it is at a level where you are okay with you, others and the world.

That’s also the difference between arrogance and loving yourself. There is nothing wrong with knowing how great you are. In fact it is an important element of self-esteem - self-love. However, when we believe we are better than other people, or more superior, that’s just plain arrogance and is best avoided at all costs.

Most people’s feelings and thoughts about themselves fluctuate somewhat based on their daily experiences. The grade you get on an exam, how your friends treat you, ups and downs in a romantic relationship-all can have a temporary impact on your wellbeing. This is because people collapse an event and what it means about them.

So if you are in the selling profession you may believe you are an excellent sales person when you sell 8 out of 10 products, but not when you sell 2 out of 10. You are the same person whether you are selling 2 products or 8 products. It is important to separate your behavior and what it “means” about you. Instead of celebrating the fact that you made 8 sales and being misery when you only made 2 sales, celebrate the fact that you are engaged in the art of selling. Enjoy the actions you take, rather than the end result. That way whether you sell 2 or 8 is irrelevant because you will be thinking how great you are for just being out there selling something.

Your own self-esteem, however, is something more fundamental than the normal “ups and downs” associated with situational changes. For people with good basic self-esteem, normal “ups and downs” may lead to temporary fluctuations in how they feel about themselves, but only to a limited extent. In contrast, for people with poor basic self-esteem, these “ups and downs” may make all the difference in the world.

Healthy self-esteem is based on our ability to assess ourselves accurately (know ourselves) and still be able to accept and to value ourselves unconditionally. This means being able to realistically acknowledge our strengths and limitations (which is part of being human) and at the same time accepting ourselves as worthy and worthwhile without conditions or reservations.

Raising your self-esteem to levels that will enhance your life and the way you view life is a journey worth embarking on. It can make a tremendous difference in your quality of life. Learning techniques to raise self-esteem can be taught and put into practice in just a few days. However, it will take practice to keep your self-worth at the forefront.

There is a common mis-conception that people with a good level of self-esteem feel great about themselves every day and never have to do any work to keep themselves there, but that is just not true.

No one goes to the gym for a few weeks after 10 years or more of inactivity and expects to be totally fit within weeks. No one would go to the gym for a few weeks and then decide they have gone long enough and don’t need to go anymore. No one would go to the gym after years of inactivity, get fit, and then never return again. They will need to return at least 3 or 4 times a week to maintain their fitness levels.

So why then do people think that self-esteem is something that can be acquired in a weekend, or within weeks? Why is it people moan and complain if after a few months of working on their self esteem they are thinking better about themselves but are still slipping back? Why is it that people believe once they have great esteem they can just stop, and it will remain that way forever?

Maybe I will never know the answer to those questions! But what I ask is that you get ready to commit yourself to however long it takes. The time is going to go anyway so why not be productively working on your self-esteem until it is automatically integrated into your very being, and even then accept that sometimes your life will not go to plan, but that does not have to effect what you think about who you are.



Lorrie

Matthew Hick


Low self-esteem can strike anyone at any point in their lives. Teenagers are especially vulnerable since they are at a point in their lives where they still rely heavily on what others think of them to boost their confidence and give them the strength to move toward the next stage in their development.

New mothers too, often suffer with self esteem issues since they are entering a scary new phase in life which often leaves them feeling totally helpless and frustrated at their lack of knowledge.

How can you tell if you or someone you care about is just in a rut, or has slipped into the realm of self-esteem issues?

Look for these sure-fire signs of low self-esteem:

-An inability to live in the moment.

People with chronic low self esteem issues often spend more time worrying about the future, or dwelling on mistakes that they’ve made in the past, that they fail to enjoy the here and now moments in life.

-An inability to be satisfied with what they have.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s their home, job, family, spouse, or even their car, the low self esteem sufferer is never happy with what they have and is always looking for something bigger and better to bring them the happiness they crave.

-An inability to accept not being perfect.

Those with low self-esteem think they need to be perfect at everything they do and simply cannot handle it when they aren’t. They are eager to please anyone and everyone around them, and are overly sensitive to criticism, even when it’s warranted.

-An inability to try new things.

Without the self esteem to believe they can accomplish something new, fear keeps the sufferer from asking for that promotion; going on a date with the person they’re attracted to; or even getting on that roller coater with their kids.

-An inability to accept themselves for whom and what they really are.

People with low self esteem are constantly making negative “I Am” statements; concentrates on their defeats and disappointments; is constantly trying to improve the way they look, or totally neglects themselves due to the belief that they aren’t worth the trouble to look and feel better physically and emotionally.

-An inability to be truly intimate with another person.

Without the ability to connect with themselves, the person with low self esteem finds it difficult - if not impossible to truly connect with friends and family on a deep intimate level. Their relationships tend to be very superficial, with little or no depth.

-An inability to slow down.

Busy people don’t have the chance to look at their underlying problems, so people with self-esteem issues often hide their true feelings of inadequacies by staying busy, busy, busy.



Sean

GregFrost


In this day and age, it is not surprising to see how pervasive low self esteem has become. In an age where girls and women alike suffer from some form of eating disorders brought on by issues with their self image, self esteem related problems have definitely become a major issue. In America alone, 20 percent of college women suffer from bulimia. This is the age where many feel the need to be slim and trim and beautiful in order to be accepted by society at large.

The truth is, low self esteem can be caused by a great number of things. Feelings of jealousy, envy, emotional insecurity, loneliness, guilt, and even self pity can contribute to low self esteem. Symptoms of low self esteem include denial, the inability to express one’s feelings, a heavy dependence on others to feel good about one’s self, blaming others for one’s misfortunes, and not having personal boundaries.

Low self esteem is really about not valuing or having high regard for one’s self. People suffering from low self esteem feel inferior, as though they are not in charge of their lives. They feel victimized, ostracized from society, and unimportant to everyone around them. Because it affects their subconscious, low self esteem is really a deep-seated phenomenon that has its origins in one’s formative years as a child, and is often not an easy problem to fix.

People suffering from self pity tend to be manipulative, using their belief of low self worth to get what they want out of other people. They become almost like parasites, clinging onto the good will of others and becoming dependent on them just to get through their lives. Obviously this would breed negativity in any sort of relationship. Similarly, jealousy can also cause negativity when used as a tool of manipulation.

Some might consider the heavy dependence on others a disease, but in all actuality, it is not by definition a disease. It is a condition affecting the emotional and behavioural aspects of a person that is developed over time and learned, and it affects one’s ability of having healthy relationships or any relationships to speak of. Symptoms of this condition include guilt when expressing honest thoughts, giving more than one receives, and suffering from emotional hurt easily when one’s effort is not seen as significant or even recognised.

The factors contributing to emotional insecurity include a lack of a healthy balance between work and family and one’s self, the fear of intimacy with loved ones, and needing some form of validation in life through drama.

Overcoming these symptoms of low self esteem is crucial if you are aiming to live a healthy, well-adjusted life as an adult. If you are unsure of what to do to improve your relationships with those around you and your feelings of insecurity and self worth, always seek help, from loved ones or even a healthcare professional. The number one mistake people tend to make is believing that they can overcome this problem alone. Low self esteem is a condition that is affecting millions around the world every single day, and recognising the symptoms will definitely go a long way in preventing and overcoming the condition.



Kylie

Lynn Hull And Julie Molner


No matter where we go we meet people who say to us, “If only I had more self-confidence I’d be just fine”. There does not appear to be an age limit, a gender, affluence or comfort boundary either. Even people we coach who are at the top in their business constantly express their perceived need for more self-confidence.

So what is this thing we call “self-confidence”? It’s a blanket term sure enough and one that tells us precisely nothing until we start to look underneath the blanket to find out what bugs (fears, negative beliefs, smallness and weakness) cause a person to feel unconfident or at best ‘a need for more’.

What does the average human need in order to be able to have self-confidence? A way to unravel this conundrum is to take a look at the meaning of confidence.

CONFIDENCE: Noun. 1. Full trust; belief, trustworthiness or reliability of a person or thing. 2. Belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance. 3. Certitude; assurance

FULL TRUST or BELIEF: How do we get to a place where we can trust ourselves (for this is what we are talking about if we are talking “self-confidence”) to do or be like what? Every single one of us at all times does the very best we can in light of what we know and believe. Recognizing and accepting this would be a great first step toward increased self-confidence, wouldn’t it?

If we could go a bit farther and believe at the deepest level that we really are doing the best we can, our trust in ourselves would be even stronger. It would quiet those negative voices that come up in our heads, the ones that tell us that “we might not be good enough”, that “people might not like what we are doing”, etc. Everyone has their own particular version of mind chatter. It goes by many different names: negative self-talk, the gremlin, the inner critic, the saboteur, the ego. It doesn’t matter what name we use; what does matter is knowing that we can control these self-defeating thoughts. They most definitely do not need to control us and what we believe about ourselves.

RELIABILITY: Hmm, how does that sit? We all like to think of ourselves as ‘reliable’ and probably in matters concerning our friends and family, we are. However how reliable are we with ourselves? Can we rely on “the real me” to come shining through no matter what is happening? What causes that real and strong person to shrink away and hide?

Usually it’s some form of fear. One of the biggest is the fear of being wrong or of failure. It’s worth remembering here that we always have to fail in order to learn. The simplest example is learning how to walk. Wouldn’t we be surprised if a child suddenly got up off its bottom and walked perfectly with no falls or trips? So it is with adults: every time we try something different, something new, something that is a bit of a stretch for us, we are naturally putting ourselves up to fail and hence to learn. The biggest lesson of all is to remember that failing does not make us a failure! It simply makes us more knowledgeable, more experienced - and more likely to succeed the next time. The only way you can “let yourself down” is by running away. The only person you are running from is yourself and at a deep-down level you are aware of this. The inner you knows the outer you is not “reliable”.

SELF-RELIANCE: Most of us look for the approbation of others. Why is that? Well, simply because we do not trust ourselves. Learning to become independent of what other people think or believe about us is one of the richest resources we have. Again posited on the fact that we are doing the best we can, we need to add the next ingredient: each person’s life is totally unique. No one is travelling exactly the same road as you; no one ever has, nor ever will. Therefore only one person is key - and that is you. You are the only person on whom you can totally rely to know what is best for this particular life you are leading.

This is one of the reasons we believe so much in coaching. Going it alone can be tough. Having someone who is non-judgmental yet has our greater self at heart is a great boon. We are naturally social animals and yet we only truly have ourselves to rely on. This form of reliance is less tangible than relying on your neighbor to look out for the parcel delivery man because you won’t be home; or relying on your spouse to remember to bring home a loaf of bread. Those are examples of receiving help and we are not talking about refusing to ask for it. What we mean here is knowing that you can ask yourself whether your actions, beliefs and behaviors truly honor who you are. Only you will know.

BELIEF IN ONE’S POWERS: Has any human ever reached their full potential? It may be claimed that some of the great spiritual masters have done so yet for the ordinary “man in the street” it is a most unusual occurrence. Quite a staggering thought, isn’t it? As humans we are potentially more powerful than we care to believe and yet “being powerful” is not something that gets a good press. This is mainly because “power” is perceived to be used negatively. The times we hear of power is often in despotic terms.

Because of that view of power, we naturally become reluctant to allow ourselves to be as powerful as we are or even to “believe” we could be so powerful. If we let our power flow, will we be shunned, will we lose our friends and be alone? Actually, as humans we are powerful beyond our comprehension and that in itself is a scary prospect to most of us.

Yet we are talking about having the power to influence, to help, to develop, to support, to draw forth not only our own potential but also that of others. These are all positive, not negative. As with most growth, however, it does have to start with ourselves before we can give our best to help others.

We are all blessed with a range of powers. Some of them are easily recognizable - most of us are gifted with the powers of sight, of hearing, of speech, of smell, of touch. Then there are the less tangible powers such as love, caring, intuition. Learning to value the powers that we have and to use them gives a huge boost to what we call “self-confidence”

If we summarize what we’ve said, lack of self confidence is based on the belief that we are not enough and at the same time we deny how powerful we actually are. What a paradox.

Here are some affirmations to use daily that combat those bugs that live below the blanket of self-confidence:

? I naturally always do the best I can in all circumstances.

? I am always at liberty to change how I choose to see my circumstances so that they work more positively for me.

? I need to be reliable to myself before I can be reliable to others.

? I have inner strength that gets more powerful the more I use it.

? I can fail at doing things from which I can learn.

? I am not a failure.

? I am powerful and have gifts to share with others.

? I am enough-I am more than “enough”.

Copyright 2008 Lynn Hull and Julie Molner



Carlos

GregFrost


In this day and age, it is not surprising to see how pervasive low self esteem has become. In an age where girls and women alike suffer from some form of eating disorders brought on by issues with their self image, self esteem related problems have definitely become a major issue. In America alone, 20 percent of college women suffer from bulimia. This is the age where many feel the need to be slim and trim and beautiful in order to be accepted by society at large.

The truth is, low self esteem can be caused by a great number of things. Feelings of jealousy, envy, emotional insecurity, loneliness, guilt, and even self pity can contribute to low self esteem. Symptoms of low self esteem include denial, the inability to express one’s feelings, a heavy dependence on others to feel good about one’s self, blaming others for one’s misfortunes, and not having personal boundaries.

Low self esteem is really about not valuing or having high regard for one’s self. People suffering from low self esteem feel inferior, as though they are not in charge of their lives. They feel victimized, ostracized from society, and unimportant to everyone around them. Because it affects their subconscious, low self esteem is really a deep-seated phenomenon that has its origins in one’s formative years as a child, and is often not an easy problem to fix.

People suffering from self pity tend to be manipulative, using their belief of low self worth to get what they want out of other people. They become almost like parasites, clinging onto the good will of others and becoming dependent on them just to get through their lives. Obviously this would breed negativity in any sort of relationship. Similarly, jealousy can also cause negativity when used as a tool of manipulation.

Some might consider the heavy dependence on others a disease, but in all actuality, it is not by definition a disease. It is a condition affecting the emotional and behavioural aspects of a person that is developed over time and learned, and it affects one’s ability of having healthy relationships or any relationships to speak of. Symptoms of this condition include guilt when expressing honest thoughts, giving more than one receives, and suffering from emotional hurt easily when one’s effort is not seen as significant or even recognised.

The factors contributing to emotional insecurity include a lack of a healthy balance between work and family and one’s self, the fear of intimacy with loved ones, and needing some form of validation in life through drama.

Overcoming these symptoms of low self esteem is crucial if you are aiming to live a healthy, well-adjusted life as an adult. If you are unsure of what to do to improve your relationships with those around you and your feelings of insecurity and self worth, always seek help, from loved ones or even a healthcare professional. The number one mistake people tend to make is believing that they can overcome this problem alone. Low self esteem is a condition that is affecting millions around the world every single day, and recognising the symptoms will definitely go a long way in preventing and overcoming the condition.



Dan